Parents of Adult Children

Have you considered that me might be ADD? He sure sounds like he fits a bunch of the criteria. I realize there is a lot of resistance as well as eagerness to clumping "problem" kids into a big "ADD" ball. I discovered that I am ADD during a university family study into kids with certain learning disabilities and dyslexia. They wanted to screen the whole family and I had already become suspicious about myself. It was an incredible relief for me to learn that at least SOME of my craziness had a name!

The condition manifests in quite a few ways and its worth doing a bit of research to learn what they are. There is the main subdivision of ADD/HD (hyperactive disorder), but neither I nor my son have that variation.

The operative word for me in my situation is "strategies". I tried some medications but the side effects were lousy. I believe that they can be effective for some, so don't dismiss them out of hand. There are also quite a lot of alternative treatments including diet, bio-feedback, etc. that many find beneficial.

By strategies, I mean that I have had to identify certain patterns, behaviors, etc., and then learn how to work around them, or with them.

There is no way that I can go into the subtleties of this condition and how it affects both children and adults. My oldest son (33) is sort of borderline, but he has managed to channel his interests and is a successful techie. My youngest (17) is the most affected and is a miserable student, but a he is a talented actor and film-maker. His behavior is the quirkiest, but fortunately I learned that it isn't exactly "intentional".

If it isn't ADD that is affecting your son, I'd wager that it is some related condition that is definitely addressable.

Good luck. I bet you'll discover some fascinating stuff about yourself enroute.

Pak

Hmm, no personal experience of the problem as I have to tie my sons down to stop them boucing off the wallls. I do have personal experience of clinical depression though. You mention your elder son is 30 and depressed?

It could be that your youngest lad is struggling in this way to. I am what's known as an endogenous depressive. This means I get depressed because of an imbalance in brain chemistry. The effects of low level depression can be very similar to the behavior your youngest son is exhibiting.

I went through a pretty unsettling 20 something before suffering my first breakdown around 30. I have now been free of the effects for 5 years due to medication. It could be that SSRI's could help.

Trouble is, this is not something you can address without his assistance. This may well be an issue.

It could also be it has nothing to do with this - but if the normal threats, and motivators do nothing, or if there is a cyclic raising and lowering of attitude - it could be a factor.

Good luck

Hi Wolf-555

It sure is, all you can do is point out the road signs on the journey, and hope they follow the rules and keep to the highway.

If they choose to go off-road, well it is them who is driving at the end of the day.

Problem is we are older, more experienced drivers - we can see the dangers ahead. But at the end of the day, did you ever take any advice from a back-seat driver? Nor will they.

Hard to do, but you have to wave them off from the kerbside, and trust them with the journey. We all only get to make one, and after all it's their's to make, not ours.

Good luck to both you and your daughter.

I love this tribe. Where else can one hear such thoughtful responses? Thanks Bob, Pak, Pandora, Yotna, Ulma, Wolf, Vicki & Joel, Tom, Alan, and Heidi. I hope I didn’t miss anyone. It’s very good to hear your stories.

As I read this thread, it became obvious to me that we are all face many of the same obstacles and hurdles in life. There is no cookbook for raising children and today there is no longer any sense of local community which makes this virtual community so useful. This tribe system allows us to remember that we are not alone in this world surrounded by crazy people and terrorists.

We each bring the tools and baggage of our youth to adulthood and most of us find the right path along the road to old age. Some of us obviously take a lot longer than others and I guess I was raised without any direction and somehow always wanted to make something of myself. I guess I expect my kids to do more and move even faster and that is unrealistic.

We have settled on the pay your basic life support plan as long as you get C’s or better in college. The sad part of Community College is that there is no such thing as a two year degree if you want anything specific other than General Studies. The kids who don’t connect in high school and float through with the minimum grades and credits have to take nearly two years worth of prerequisites just to get into many of the two year programs. Another money making scheme if you ask me. My middle son will only begin taking the degree program classes next term (his sixth term!). And yes, we will set a deadline, in fact I have outlined all the required classes and the sequence and he agreed to follow through.

Heidi, I have prepared a detailed spreadsheet for my boys which shows them exactly what it costs Mom and Dad to keep them fed, housed, clothed, insured, in wheels and all their tuition and books paid for. It comes to over $1,000 a month each and that doesn’t include a share of the mortgage, heat, phone, taxes, etc, etc, etc….. I learned that these documents and numbers mean absolutely nothing to people who don’t have to pay out of their own pocket.

Ulma, I wish you the best and it sounds like your daughter will come around when she finally figures out you’re not so bad after all. Your father did to your brother the exactly same thing my father-in-law did to my brother-in-law. He called one of his son’s friend’s dads and secretly arranged a one-way ticket to Arizona and Auto Mechanics School. The boys loved working on cars and raising hell. So, the two dads packed two bags, pulled an old car into the driveway and got them up. They were handed the bags, $200 each and the address of the school. I must admit, I don’t have the guts to do this to my son and maybe this will be my failure. The two boys decided to go to Arizona via Las Vegas and they quickly lost half of their money. Fortunately, they were smart enough to leave Vegas and go to Arizona.

They had to find a place to live, part time jobs, and learn how to feed themselves for the first time in their lives. My brother-in-law told me of a time he bought a frozen chicken and attempted to fry it in a pan! Needless to say, he went hungry that day. They both made it through and my brother-in-law worked for 20 years at a dealership, today he owns a very successful auto repair shop and has six or seven employees.

Alan, it sounds like you took the hard road too. I wonder if you think that maybe if your dad gave you a couple of years to get on track if you would have done so sooner in life? I know I started out at 18 and always thought if I only could have gone to school full-time and worked part-time, I would have finished fifteen years sooner and had a much better foundation today.

Vicki and Joel, you are very fortunate. I would love to learn more about why your kids enjoyed a smoother ride. It sounds like they grew up in a rural, close knit community.

Wolf, your daughter and my oldest son must have read the same books. Your son will probably get a PhD and become a professor at the school since he will be like a member of the staff soon : - )

Yotna, your wisdom always shines through with lines like “..did you ever take any advice from a back-seat driver?” Thanks for the comments.

Pandora, your observations of different races and cultures is interesting. I must admit that I travel to Asia a lot and it would be very strange for a person to leave home before marriage and equally strange for a young person to be expected to pay anything to live in the home for as long as they desire. I agree that hitting the magic eighteen does not mean one suddenly can be independent, especially in a country where jobs are scarce and everything is expensive. Thanks for bringing this up.

My pain worsens when my youngest starts college in September, so I will have two “men” to keep track of. At least this one is self-motivated and should be less stressful to deal with.

It’s funny to hear about your computer son Pak, as this is my 20 year old son too. I will keep pushing him to find a p/t job; I wish it could be doing something with computers since he is so good with them. I gave him his first computer at the age of seven; if he only had some tiny self-motivation to run with.

I hope one day we can be good friends like you and your son. My brother-in-law from the story was angry at his dad for two years and never called him. Upon his return from Arizona, he moved back in with his dad and within a few months his dad passed away. My brother-in-law wishes he could have got to know his dad; they would have been great pals as he is now 36 years old and is a chip off the old block as they say. I hope I make it to see that day.

My 30 year old is pretty much a lost cause. He is totally disconnected from us and I guess he will have to face a similar situation as Tom described. We hope he survives and he makes it through to the sunlight again. I am glad the grim reaper didn’t get you Tom, your story is inspiring and many young men would benefit from hearing it.

I can't help but wonder about all those who don't make it. There are no TV shows about those of us who meet an early dead end. I would say that the only obvious thread in all of your stories is the loving bond between parent and child. In my case my bonds were with my elderly uncle. He was always there with a kind heart and smile when I needed one. That bond may be tested and fought against, but in the end it is what brought us all here today.

Our society could do a much better job at preparing us for the real world as children and as young adults entering the work force and parental years. I now believe that our entire American socioeconomic system is designed to have six almost invisible and nearly impenetrable layers. The system architecture has undergone significant changes since 1970 and only those of us old enough to be in this tribe know what I am talking about. All of what we are going through is nothing more than the predictable outcomes of the system that has been built all around us. This of course is another thread.

Thanks everyone for sharing.

Rev.